Auburn-

In the Bible's Book of Genesis, Cain killed his brother Abel because God favored Abel's sacrifice better than Cain's. 5,000 years later, Abel was resurrected from the dead and took his revenge out on the Pettengill Park softball porta-potty. Nicholas Abel also went 4-4 with a pair of doubles and raising his average to .778 on the season. The real story of the evening, was player/manager Ryan Marquis, who hit a titanic 2-run blast in the 6th to make the score 21-11. After the game, a reporter found a bottle of Balco in Marquis' locker. "I have been so faithful to my fans and to the game for my entire career. I have been battling an undisclosed injury and was unaware that this steroid, which was prescribed to me from my doctor in the Dominican Republic, was illegal. I am innocent, and that is why I am accepting this 50-game suspension, as all innocent players would." The Rockies were also led offensively by Shane "Why do you ask if I'm Italian, my dark skin? No, thats just dirt" Ciriello (2-4, 2-run HR (2)), Dustin "Why let Shane hit a 3-run homer when I can hit a 2-run?!" Child (2-3, HR (2), SF), and Chris "I play it safe and hit singles the week after I hit a homer...don't want anyone cutting this bat open" Lachance (3-4, 2B, 2 RBI). Scott Nason also reportedly fell down swinging on a pitch in the first.

For the Red Sox, they were led by Kyle "Chris Pratt" Bonenfant, who went 3-4 with a double and 2-run tater in the 5th, Price "Is Right Bitches" Gendron (2-run homer in 7th), Ryan "Y2K? Because I can't see the ball" Moore who struck out swinging twice...that'll motivated an offense.

The (3-0) Rockies will have their first Bye week, as the Red Sox will face the Dodgers, who are fresh off their first win of the season over the hot Pirates.